Log in

I live!

My oh my how things have changed since I last wrote in this thing. I am currently crying from laughter over re-reading old posts, so probably I should start writing here again for the benefit of myself in 2-3 years to have a good chuckle.


The pre-Beltane midyear review

+ 1 grad student
- all free time
+ 1 HIV activist
- 2 cats :(

- 1 witch
+ 1 spiritual crisis

+ 1 STD conference
+ 1 girlfriend
+ 1 final exam week
- 1 sanity

+ 15 credits
- 1 boyfriend
+ 1 boyfriend
- 1 boyfriend
+ 1 boyfriend
- 1 boyfriend
+ 1 boyfriend
+ 1 set of agreements to communicate better
+ 1 year on age
+ 1 hobby (leather!)

- 1 spiritual crisis
+ 1 witch
+ 1 girlfriend
+ an enormous amount of work
+ 1 job-ish
+ 1 hobby (modelling!)
+ 1 nervous breakdown
+ 1 cavity :(
+ second round of finals!
- a little more sanity o_o

Yeah, so, maybe that wasn't such a hot idea

Okay I've lived alone in the past, and I've had long distance relationships that started and were cultivated long distance, and I've moved into a city where I didn't know anybody...

.... I really underestimated how hard going from living with several people and cats for the past 3 years to living alone, moving across the state from a local partner of several years, and simultaneously starting grad school and not knowing anybody in the surrounding town would  be. 

Well, whoops. 

I spend a lot of time being lonely now.

PSA: Eggs + Alfredo = terrible idea

 So, I was going to make an impromptu alfredo. 

After waiting several minutes for the corn starch to kick in and thicken up the milk I had simmering, I got impatient, and brilliantly thought to myself "I know! I will whisk in an egg white for extra protein and to thicken it!"

What I ended up with was a frothy, chunky, garlic scented... goop. It kind of reminded me of... nevermind you don't want to know what it reminded me of. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about (except maybe the garlic scented part, unless you're into natural remedies for that sort of thing). 

It was a terrible idea. Please learn from my mistakes and DON'T DO THAT.

Something I am afraid of:

Coming out to my parents again.

But the fact of the matter is that my little brother is moving nearby, and will be a part of my life again, and I am not ashamed of my girlfriend and will not hide her existence in my life... Which means this piece of information will get back to my parents. 

I am wondering if I should bomb them with it at the beginning, middle, or end of my three week trip home this summer. 

Water conservation

I just realized how wasteful we all are of water, myself included, and how just a few lifestyle changes could, over the course of my lifetime, make an impact. So, I'm now adopting the following hippietastic water conservation methods:

- "if it's pee, let it be" but only at my own house when I don't have company (unless that company is also of the "if it's pee, let it be" persuasion). I hate the random unflushers at parties and in public bathrooms, so I will not force my pee habits on others.. but around my house, given the persistence of my tiny bladder, I can save probably 5-10 flushes a day and accordingly a bunch of water.
- Enter the stink: I really don't think I'm that offensive smelling left to my own devices, so I'm wondering why not just bathe every other day instead of daily, unless I'm feeling mighty gross?
- I think, given my love of hot water, baths may be more water economical than showers. I will take more baths.
- I also think sponge bathing might be a valid option for the "quickie get it clean" replacement of the morning shower. I shall find a pail and scrub brush with haste.
- I need to recaulk my sink so I can wash my dishes in standing water, instead of running it.
- I'm wondering about the feasibility of using some gray water systems in my house... Like, if I sponge bathe in the morning, could I fill up the toilet tank with the bucket instead of fresh water? What about dish water in the toilet tank?

I am thinking these little day to day measures won't impact my presentation to the world in an offensive way, but may decrease my overall water use, and that seems like a fine idea.

Lets queer it up in here

I have been chewing on gender things for a few years now, starting when naive me, two years ago, tried to be polite by asking a trans woman I met what pronoun they preferred, and they replied, "she/her, and while I understand your good intentions in asking, know that it does just further emphasize that I am different." My gender journey took the form of asking people what pronouns they preferred, to normalize that exchange and start that conversation in the cis community.

A year later found me suddenly with a host of trans friends for the first time in my life. I am insatiably curious at all times about everything, and was lucky enough that two of my friends were open and welcoming to conversations about gender. I watched one friend lose their job due to a sexist and transphobic employer, and was a part of all of the "oh, I think I am queer" conversations with another friend who later transitioned. One friend happily answered my questions about how they experienced womanhood, and asked me many questions about what it was like growing up being identified as a girl. These conversations contributed to the ongoing unfolding in my own head, my exploration of my own relationship with my gender.

When I was quite young, I remained hopeful that I would grow a penis with puberty. When I started growing breasts, I got a little worried, but my period came much later in my teenage years than it does for most female bodies, and for a while I was hopeful that it wouldn't come at all. My earliest sexual fantasies were heterosexual... I just pictured myself as the man. My first lover and I would role play gender reversal with some regularity.

As I aged and worked through issues surrounding my sexuality and body image, I gradually came to the gender identity of, "meh, sometimes I wish I'd been born a man, but as it is I've got a pretty nice lady body, so I'll take it and work with it." I quickly became very free and maybe even a little vain about my body, relishing in chances to run around naked, dressing in clothes that accentuated and flattered me. I am still quite comfortable in my skin, and slowly my gender identity has been migrating away from my body, and more towards my emotional state.

I identify now as gender fluid, and it shifts with my menstrual and seasonal cycle. On any given day, my preferred pronoun might be she/her, he/him, ze/zim, "I'm cranky go away", grand pooh bah, princess, whatever. She/her is the one society gives me the most easily, and I don't challenge it because I know I look like what people expect of a woman, and sometimes it is how I identify.

Keeping track of my relationship with my gender at any given moment would be exhausting, let alone keeping everybody up to date on what pronoun I want right then, so I've decided that something that encompasses it all (like they/them, or in my case also fey/femme) suits me much better. It wasn't until spending a few days with a lover who refers to everybody as they/them that I realized how comfortable that can become, and how liberating it feels to be referred to in an open pronoun.

I feel like the inclusion of a gender pronoun is like adding excess information that exists just to give a box to put somebody in... Like, what's the difference between "My friend, he has a book" and "my black friend, they have a book." It's excess information. My friend's gender and skin tone are irrelevant to the topic at hand (the book), but we freely add the former information, and it doesn't make much sense to me why.

I mean, clearly, if somebody's gender is important to the topic at hand, then by all means refer to it... I guess what I'm getting at is that I don't understand why, that of all of the variety of identities people can carry, gender is the one that we reinforce and point out constantly in our vocabulary.

"She's a great student." Why does it matter?

grown up parties rock o_o

Things I saw today:
- big cat skull, small cat skull, alligator skull, giraffe skull, two unidentified primate skulls
- a preserved blowfish
- a sawfish jaw, and a giant clam
- several traditional tribal masks from various African nations
- a collection of thai and japanese dildos (ostensibly statues) from the 14th century
- a mummified elephant penis (I touched it!)
- a monkey skeleton (okay I just heard rumor of it, it was hiding), a bat skeleton and snake skeleton
- a 10' tree literally stuffed with antique ornaments
- a wall of large bug samples that would make an entomologist weep tears of joy
- a full size replica of the bust of hermes sculpture
- many venetian opera masks
- a sarcophagus
- other artifacts and miscellany from around the world

Things I ate today:
- tiny single bite cakes dipped in chocolate
- preserved cherries stuffed with mulling spices
- pickled onions and Japanese shallots
- Swedish meatballs
- Spanish manchego cheese, imported French brie, cumin cheddar, two sheepmilk cheeses of unknown origin
- chocolate covered pomegranate seeds
- kumquats
- curious Japanese candies
- candied ginger, turkish delight
- chedder cheese shortbread

People I met today:
- dean of women's studies
- dean of foreign languages
- several english and women's studies professors
- mayor of Kalamazoo (okay almost, he was leaving just as I realized he was there)
- a newspaper reporter

Just, you know, in case you were wondering.

new motto, developed today

"A tidy home begets a tidy mind." -- me.